I Hide myself from myself too, and can only face myself through writing.
– I do not ask myself questions that will give me wrong answers most times, but when I am writing the flow interrupts that fear and enable me to draw from the deepest part of my soul.
– I prayed for healing, but if you don’t heal me, then give me the grace to live through it.
I may not understand what is going on my head, but I know you do .
Facing My Fears Through Grace
I want to live this life like you want me to, and not be hidden by whatever is going on in my head. I need your grace to overcome this feeling and do the things I know I can do. I want to keep writing without fear of dying, to let go of my fears in order to become who you really want me to be. To no longer hide from pain, distractions, or discomfort and embrace the new me. It has been more than 10 years, and I still have this feeling, yet I cannot describe it to anyone.
Nameless Yet So Real
I do not know what name to give it or how to start; it just feels like a wave rushing through my head. I try to pray about it every day and give it many different names. I want to know why this happens, but more than that, I need the grace to embrace and boldly share my unnamed thorn with others who might have something similar going on in their lives.
What Could It Be…
Could it be a spiritual attack or a physical disease
I am unaware of? I have searched the symptoms repeatedly on the internet, but
nothing matches. Could it be a curse from the devil? Or could it be a thorn in
my flesh allowed by God to keep me from trying to do what is not meant to be undertaken
without the creator’s help?
Still, I wonder – Why? Why me? yet no answer comes after years of meditation and trying to quiet this mind.
My Mind – The Source Of My Restlessness…
My mind is never quiet. It is active when I wake up and stays awake while I sleep. Barely a day goes by without me having many dreams. I wake feeling fresh and well rested, so I know it is not insomnia. The only time I can calm this relentless mind is when I am bringing out the stuff that keeps it busy and running.
I do this through writing like I am doing. I do it through reading when I am immersed in another world different from ours. I do it when I am listening to a sermon, and my mind is not focused on things of this world but things beyond my imagination.
Why I Write – My Everlasting Pal
Writing keeps me going, though I can’t remember when the first time I discovered this medicine for my nameless thorn. I know that writing heals me, even if only for a short moment. Just as when I am reading, I know I need more than that. I need a savior, who is silent about this whole thing but is not surprised that my mind cannot be quieted down from racing like it is running a marathon. I am encouraged to keep trusting my savior because he knows the future, and I don’t.
Finally Accepting You As My Pal – Writing…
I’ve felt this way for over 12 years, and now I’m not sure what it would be like to feel something different. This is why I began to change my position in prayer; Lord, give me the boldness to embrace the new me and never to fear or stop my mind. Help me to keep up with it and bring it out to the world and what it has to offer. I believe it is unique and has a purpose of affecting lives, and it is worth sharing among other like-minded people.
The Feelings That Come From Writing…
Writing only makes sense because I live in my head more often than not. I can be sitting in a group yet start a conversation in my head, debating or analyzing things different from what is being discussed. Writing tends to be natural to me because growing up; I did not have a lot of friends outside of school. Whenever something happened – whether good, bad, happy, bitter, sweet – I wrote it down. That’s how I learned to retell my stories or stories I heard.
In moments of heartache, I cry myself out through writing and usually stop crying as soon as I run out of words for complaining or ranting. It refreshes me and instills a better mood after each writing. Writing in those moments feels like pouring out my heart to a best friend, only I do not hear a voice telling me, “it is okay; everything will be alright.” Still, I can feel my mood lightening up and smiles cracking like I have just received a million bucks.
Sometimes writing is better than pouring out to my best friend because I am not judged as I pour out my heart. I don’t receive immediate advice or condemnation such as ‘you ought to have known.’ For example, my break-up experience with my ex. boyfriend ‘girl, you can do better’ or ‘girl you deserve better.’ Excellent advice or encouragement that may be, at times, it is better to pour your heart out without receiving anything in return because my heart was overfull and just needed an outlet.
In moments where no one can be found to comfort you or hear you, your writing will always be an outlet or an ear to hear you out even without a pen and paper or tablet to write. You can write them in your heart or minds.
Food For Thoughts
- Trust God when you do not understand
- Surrender to God and not to the thing itself
- Character building is admirable, but it comes with a price to pay
- Whatever needs to be given birth does not birth itself
- Trust in the process, for without the process there is no becoming
- Stay alert and contribute to your tribe, for there is always a place for you to fill in